I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
