I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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