So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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