so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
