And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
