So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
