Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
