Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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