i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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