So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
