**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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