so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
