I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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