On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
