Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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