I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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