Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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