Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
My liver just broke up with me...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
