We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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