What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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