In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
