my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
