i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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