Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
