Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
