Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
