i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We smell like vodka and hangover
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