Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
