Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
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