i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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