After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
