as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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