i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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