I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
