booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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