i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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