I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
