My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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