I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
