I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
