my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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