I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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