Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize