Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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