i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize