Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
