farters have to be the big spoon...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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