I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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