Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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