I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
