why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize