My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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